Im Not Trying to Say Its Easy but Im Trying to Say Its Fine
Hi, my name is Saskia, and I'm guilty of saying "I'm fine when I'm not.
If you've ever known me, you'll know that I'm usually quite an 'on' person. I'm chatty (overchatty some might say- I used to find it awkward to leave a silence in a conversation but in becoming more self-aware of my lack of listening skills, I've started to recognise the importance of silence. Read why here.). I'm kind with my words (modest too right!). What I mean by that is, bar one or two circumstances, I'm always on your side. I'm remembering how you said your mum would be going away in a few weeks so I'll think to myself, hey, they may need a little more TLC then. I'm jokey. Ok, so they are NOT good jokes. I love me a pun or a witty one line comeback but oh wow am I absolutely terrible at them. I make bad puns, readers, but it's just how eye roll. *queue drums: Badum tish*.
The point is, I'm 'on'. I'm often trying. But if you'll know me really really well, you'll know when I'm off. I'm emotional, I'm quiet. You can hear just from my tone of voice that I'm upset. My heart is on my sleeve and I'll leave it there. I don't have the energy to remove it.
How to fake it?
Sometimes, I've slipped up in letting the non-inner circle know when I'm off. Perhaps I've tried to be 'on' but perhaps I'm consumed by anxiety. Or I'm stressed to an extreme. Or that pile of tiny little unimportant worries is cumulatively overwhelming and there is no extra energy to be 'on' at the same time. And, it was only in the last year, that these glitches of time made me realise I was faking it. I caught myself off guard one day when a moment of worry scanned my face and a friend came up to me to say,
"Hey, are you ok?".
I automatically answered, 'yeah, I'm fine'. She looked uncertain and paused a second before asking those dreaded words; 'Are you sure'?
She knew, I thought to myself. And in a split second, I found myself replying, all in one go, 'yeah of course. By the way do you know what chapters we are covering before the mock exam on Monday'?
She went on to answer, the conversation moved on and that was the end. Saved. It was only later I realised what I'd done. Deflecting and saying 'I'm fine' + a question about something completely different, maybe a question about them or something they would know. People like to talk about themselves. Wow, I thought to myself, I've cracked the code. I started using this formula as a quick conversation fix on an 'off day'. It worked. Every. Single. Time.
'the average adult will say "I'm fine" 14 times a week, even though just 19% really mean it'
It's time to stop saying 'I'm fine'
The thing is, it resolved nothing. I was still upset, worried, anxious and overwhelmed. Additionally, I became more aware of how many other times everyone else says 'I'm fine' as a response. Sometimes maybe we really are doing well and don't care to hash out all our 'wins' in an attempt of modesty. But theres often something on our minds and it is time to stop using 'I'm fine' or it's equivalents as an emotional barrier.
In fact, a study of 2,000 adults commissioned by the Mental Health Foundation in 2016 has found that the average adult will say "I'm fine" 14 times a week, even though just 19% really mean it. Often it is the more convenient phrase. Often, we believe that the person who is asking doesn't really want to know the answer and sure, having the awareness of knowing who to tell or how much to say can be a good thing but restraining yourself from addressing your emotions actively is unnecessary when a support system is all around you.
'you don't need to be 'not ok' alone'
Sometimes when someone says they're fine, what they really mean is,
'I'm ok, right now, in this second. I'm coping. But coping is the edge to something worse.' Or, 'no, I'm not ok, but I don't want to hear your judgment or pity when you think you're trying to be empathetic.' Or 'I feel so awful inside that I can't even verbalise it.' And sure, you reading this may not be able to relate to these statements. However, whether or not you've have dealt with mental illness before, life is full of ups and downs that stimulate some kind of emotional response or trigger in us. The point is, it's ok not to be ok. But you don't need to be 'not ok' alone.
How many times have you been worried about something, overbought it to an extreme in your head, and felt immensely relieved when telling someone else about it. It doesn't feel as big a deal. Or, even if it is, you can talk through it with someone. Talking helps most of the time. Plus, if anything, being open and honest with the people around you will build and deepen stronger connections, better fortifying the support network that we all unashamedly require.
Let's talk
Overall, the point of this short and sweet post is to remind you to start opening up when someone asks how you are feeling or how you are. the world is becoming more in touch with its emotions and I'm glad to see those around me already taking a real and genuine interest in the wellbeing of their family, friends and colleagues. Someone literally would ask how my mental health was and I was so shocked I would say 'fine'. But, it is time to overcome that mentality and start communicating. I'm not saying it is easy. Saying 'I'm fine' is often the way to ignore your underling mental health, feelings and emotions.
Don't be scared to ask how someone is feeling?
Coming from the other side, it is so important to respect the emotions of those who are finally willing to communicate them openly. I've already written a whole post on how you can be a better listener which can really help to improve your relationships and be a more supportive person. However, for a quick fix, I've included the following graphic from The Mental Health Foundation to help you to talk about mental health with ease and without fear.
So maybe next time someone isn't feeling great and responds with 'I'm fine' and doesn't seem to want to open up, make your self available to them and without judgment. 'Well, you know you can talk to me about anything, don't you, no matter how big or small?' can be a simple but effective response reassuring and reminding someone that you are a support available to them without judgment.
So are you guilty of overusing this phrase? Let me know what you think by adding a comment. I read every one and love to open the discussion around these sorts of topics.
Song of the post: Feels like a Sunday – Elderbrook
Source: https://theuandd.com/why-we-all-need-to-stop-saying-im-fine/
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